From October of 2001 through March of 2007, Damian Hospital and Tony Vahl ran the original DailySkew website; it was an old html site.  They went from Frontpage to CSS over those years, maintaining and coding the page by hand.

As the world wide web moved on towards blogs and web 2.0 sites, it became apparent to the DailySkew co-founders that it was time to adapt the site to modern times.  They started the skew.dailyskew.com blog in 2007, and followed that with dsu.dailyskew.com and baseball.dailyskew.com.  Eventually, dailyskew.com became a blog; but what about the original and classic dailyskew html website?  The co-founders kept looking back at the site, not turning into pillars of salt, but perplexed as to what to do with the 100′s of pages they had created over six years.

At first, the DailySkew Classic resided in a parallel universe; blog.html led to the blogger site, and index.html led to the original site.  This was cool, until one day Vahl wanted to make his online handle official, erasing his real name from continuity.  It was easy enough to change his name on the blogger sites all at once, but this was not possible on the hand-coded pages.  Sure, there’s probably a python script out there that could open each .htm file, change [CENSORED] to Vahl and save it, but what about the next time something needed to be changed en masse?  Damian and Tony are not programmers; would they need to hire a Captain Software each time a change was needed for the DailySkew Classic pages?  That did not make sense for a labor of love (i.e., no profit) like DailySkew.

After the dailyskew blogs moved from Blogger to WordPress, and the classic dailyskew site was moved to /bestofskew, Vahl decided it was time to bring the DailySkew Classic html pages into the web 2.0 arena.  Slowly, he went through the archives and began dragging the code from the old .htm files into wordpress pages created in dailyskew.com.  He was attempting to create the same look and feel of the original dailyskew site, complete with menu pages and hierarchies.

Unfortunately, the old html handcoding pages haunted Vahl.  There were relative links that needed to be converted to direct links.  There were lots of photos, and no easy way to import them.  There were old Frontpage tags on some of the pages.  In short, it was a mess.

Damian recently suggested scrapping the old dailyskew hierarchy, and using the power of WordPress to create a new DailySkew Classic web 2.0 site.  Instead of menu pages, categories and tags.  Instead of endless pages that Google treats as second class citizens, blog posts that search engines can find and modern readers are accustomed to.  Vahl embraced the idea, and in less than 24 hours, this site was born.

There is still some work to be done.  Updates 32 through 42 remain trapped in the web 1.0 format, as well as other pages.  Each page still needs to be QC’d — Vahl already added some photos to the Hurricane Wilma post that had disappeared along the line.

So, while this site will continue to be a work-in-progress for awhile, the bottom line is that the DailySkew Classic content has found a permanent home on the web, allowing a new generation of readers to see why we call ourselves “A voice of reason in this age of chaos.”

Here are some works we recommend, to get you started:

- Baseball:

– Why Ryne Sandberg should have been a 1st ballot hall of famer

– List of Active Hall of Famers

– “In my hands I hold the names…” of Steroid Users in Baseball

– No Justice for Roger Clemens

– Babe Ruth vs. Barry Bonds

- Parody:

– Shark King Declares War on Humanity!

– Gore in ’04

– Devoid of Opinion

– Descendant of Hospitalers Demands Restitution from France

– Pete Townsend Erased from Continuity

- Dream Seeker:

– The Return of Jesus Christ

– The Greatest Wrestler of All-Time

– THREE MINUTES!

– Believe

– The Man in the Velvet Mask

There’s tons more stuff, like Earth-Zero, or our Philosophical Ramblings, that I’m sure you’d enjoy.  Take the time to click around the various menus and find a gem worth reading!  If you like what you read, feel free to leave a comment.  We love feedback!

This Story Never Happened

 

DCH August 16, 2005

 

           
William Shakespeare wrote that the world is a stage, and we are the
actors. What of characters in stories? Their world is the stage created from our
written word, so they too are actors.

 

           
The loud waiting room, which looked like a gigantic emergency room lobby
in a hospital, was crowded. In fact, it almost looked like an airport terminal
waiting area. Most of the seats were taken, and if a seat was unoccupied,
personal items were left on it. Those who were restless or impatient- and that
was many- paced, smoked, talked on cell phones, went to the restroom, and
interacted with each other, usually trying to express a certain point. Every few
moments they would glance at the closed receptionist’s window. They all had
signed in after ringing the bell. If one of them got lucky, they were called in
to see Them, and hopefully They had some job opportunities.

 

           
"Heh heh heh HEH!" Arse (sometimes called Loki) gave his
trademark Woody Woodpecker laugh. He was leaning against a wall with the bottom
of one sneaker for support. He was drinking beer along with Character Assassin
(AKA Hitman), who looked worn out.

 

 "Look
who’s sitting over there, man! It’s Softie!" The shocked Arse was referring
to Captain Software, who was taken out of continuity in a Soul Patrol story.
Softie sunk in a chair and looked depressed, oblivious to those around him.

 

"Sick
bastard…" Character Assassin muttered.

 

Arse
laughed as he said, "The loser is still looking for work! He just doesn’t
get it. I can’t believe he thinks They’re going to give him more work!"

 

"He’s
done, man. What a pathetic bastard," C.A. remarked.

 

           
The Gazelle pranced towards his two best friends, bringing a cooler of
beer. "At least he’s gotten some work recently!" he smiled.

 

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Arse shouted.

 

"We’re
%#$#. We might as well get sent to ^$#^ oblivion," C.A. said with a look of
disappointment on his face.

 

"Don’t
worry, C.A. I was never even in any one Their stories!" Gazelle said as he
took a pot-shot at himself. But he failed to cheer up C.A.

 

"We’re
#$@$," C.A. muttered again.

 

           
Arse said, "I heard that he’s looking for some Tashman flashback
scenes to get back in! How pathetic is that?"

 

Character
Assassin asked, "You heard that? You think They’ll ask us to work a few
paragraphs?"

 

"No!"
Arse giggled.

 

           
"Tashman’s done, guys," Overmind chimed in as he passed them.
"We’re all effin’ done. I mean, They had me quit Tashman, took away ‘The
Great’ from my nickname, and had me work at a taco place. What a way to bury
me."

 

"At
least you were in the Viper Queen tribute," Gazelle said.

 

           
Shadow Gentleman, unmasked and out of costume, came out of the bathroom
as he saw an old friend. "Mohammed, my man! How’s it going, buddy?"

 

"Pretty
bad, as you know, S.G.," the dejected Arab said. "All I can hope for
are for untold Soul Patrol stories." Mohammed was killed off in the Return
of Joshua (RoJ) mega-event.

 

 "But
what the heck are you still doing here, my friend?" Mohammed asked.
"You are one of the biggest superstars there is! Surely They called
you."

 

"Oh,
I’m looking for The Loyalist. I was already called this morning. Have you seen
him?"

 

"I
think I saw him with some new Battle X guys; he’s around."

 

 "Okay,
thanks brother," the Shadow Gentleman said as he patted Mohammed on the
shoulder.

 

As SG
searched for The Loyalist, numerous unemployed characters, most never even used
in stories, looked at him with awe and envy.

 

 "SG
is a celebrity- what the hell is he still doing here?" Simon Delaghetto
asked Richard Hoffman, two characters from the Daily Skew.

 

"Don’t
be a fool, Simon," Richard blasted. "All of the big guns are here.
They must be waiting for something or just socializing. Look over there. I see
the Gambler causing a raucous with, I think, Air Empress, Viper Queen, and CEO.
And there- the Nihilist is laughing with the character that played his love
interest. What was her name?"

 

 "Alicia
Lee," Simon responded.

 

 "Yeah,
I don’t know what a superstar is doing with that background character,"
Richard said.

 

"Then
you must be real dumb," Simon smiled as he shifted away from Hoffman.

 

"Don’t
worry about it, Captain Fascist," the Realtor assured him. "I just
spoke with Them earlier today, and They are definitely going to find a place for
you. I can’t really go into specifics and They couldn’t make any promises, but
the future looks bright for you."

 

Captain
Fascist, formerly one of the most confident characters – he was a Tashman
Founder [retcon] – was a shell of his former self now that his Tashman run had
ended. Coupled with the fact that Tashman Technologies had previously
fallen from Their big plans, Fascist was worried that he would be banished to
oblivion.

 

"And
They’ll see if They could find something for Ms. DBA," the Realtor lied.
The Realtor excused himself and gave a friendly hug to David "The
Natural" Mattox, who appeared in the Dreamseeker Universe’s (DSU)
wrestling homage story.

 

Nehal
finished drinking from the water fountain and then plopped down in his seat,
sitting next to Future Nehal, and Hooded Nehal. Future Nehal was older, and had
appeared on a tele-screen in the last chapter of RoJ. Hooded Nehal, like most of
the characters in this waiting room, had not made an appearance yet; but he
existed in Their minds.

 

           
At the other side of the room, Spring-Heeled Jack commented to Anonymous,
a Daily Skew writer, "My story’s been in production for such a long
time. How am I supposed to make my spectacular debut and launch my career?"

 

"You
actually think you’re going to be more than a ‘one-hit-wonder’?" Anonymous
asked sarcastically.

 

"Of
course! They should make me a full-fledged member of the Rogue’s Gallery!"

 

           
Shadow Gentleman came upon Mellow Man and asked him if he’d seen The
Loyalist. Mellow Man pointed to a thin clean-shaven bespectacled man dressed in
black, but realized it was Darth Tony, who had appeared in the original Who’s
Who in the Caliban/Tashman Universe. "Whoops, I’m sorry; they look
alike."

 

           
Captain Hardware was debating with Pigeon about a DSU plotline. "The
question boils down to: is Dace an Icon, or not?" Cap asked. "You’re
just stirring up trouble, Cap, like you always do," answered the Pigeon.

 

           
Christian Wright, who played a controversial fundamentalist on the Daily
Skew, asked Richard Wright, the legendary Soul Patrol leader, if he had
heard the rumors. "Two Asian kids. I heard that two Asian kids are going to
get some work today."

 

 "That’s
not what I heard; I heard that They decided not to go with them," Richard
responded.

 

Former
Tashman great Captain Venezuela said, "I am tired…just so tired…of not
having any work. It’s so hard to live like this, and to be passed up every
day."

 

"Stop
feeling sorry for yourself," Christian Wright ordered.

 

           
The enormous room, which sounded like a zoo and football stadium, went
absolutely silent when the reception window opened up. All eyes were fixed upon
the open window. Characters literally froze like statues, ready to hear whom
They were picking.

 

           
"Ma Yuan, Killer of Gods."

 

           
Two electric doors opened, and Ma Yuan walked confidentially towards them
after getting over the initial shock. All eyes were focused on him. Most were
shocked; more were angry; and few, if any, were glad.

 

           
They watched as he walked through the doors, and then they closed behind
him. The receptionist’s window slammed back down with a thud. Then the bedlam
began. The voices were deafening.

 

           
Lone Teleporter: "That’s BULL SH-"

           
Gambler: "What the hell has he ever done?"

           
Commissioner Rueton: "No way. No way."

           
The Loyalist: "Holy SH-"

           
Baroness Zero of Earth Tashman: "Ma Yuan?"

           
Luthor: "What are They going to use him for?"

           
Dace: "’Killer of Gods’?"

           
Auctioneer: "Battle X"

           
Miss Anachron: "DSU, has to be."

           
Nihilist:"Maybe a new project-"

           
Ramalani: "DSU?"

           
Erik Tran: "Villain, right?"

           
Captain Venezuela: "This is not fair."

           
The Brickhouse: "Battle X- has to be."

           
Air Empress: "No way."

           
Mohammed: "…is the justice?"

           
The Stork: "Do you think They will call another?"

           
The Cough: "…been here all day."

           
Liz of Earth-4: "Ma Yuan?"

           
Carlos X: "DSU- ‘one-hit-wonder’"

           
Captain Hardware: "…in continuity."

           
Eva Reichensteinner: "…story arc?"

           
Arse: "You can rule Tashman out."

           
Captain Software: "This is because THEY-“

           
Mary of Infinite Earths: "Ma Yuan?"

           
Realtor: "Give the guy a break, goddamn it."

 

The
receptionist’s window opened.

 

"Odin."

 

Then
it slammed shut. Everyone was speechless. Odin walked slowly, as a few
characters patted him on the back.

 

A few
whispers and mumblings:

 

Miss
Anachron: "That’s right…"

Meshell:
"Odin."

Edith:
"Good for him."

Joshua:
"About time."

Freddie:
"Odin."

Regulus:
"Ma Yuan AND Odin?"

Sean
Brown: “Odin gonna KICK-“

Martyr:
"It could only mean one thing-"

Damiac-12:
"Battle X."

 

Odin
walked through the doors, and they closed. Then a sign appeared on the
receptionist’s window that read, "CLOSED".

 

After
a collective groan, the characters began to file out and make plans for the rest
of their fictitious day.

 

           

           

 

 

 

 

           

 

           

           

           

           

 

<

THE REAL DREGS OF HUMANITY PERSONALS 

a hodgepodge of emails culled together by Tony

The following are sick, twisted, disgusting, explicit samples of ads from a well-known listing site, with extreme vulgarity edited out:

I want a female T-lady to have a sexual friendship with.
No CD, No males. Only if it is a three way.
Wont Host, wil travel.

Married Visitor Pay$ Yng St8 D*** Ca$h – m4m – 30

25 bear cub looking for hairy daddy bear – m4m – 25
Hi there, 25 hairy bear cub here, 6’1, 240, br/bl, 7″ thick cut vers here, looking for a
hairy daddy bear to have a father son relationship. The hairier the better, hope to hear from some of you soon!

Lookin to suck… – 36
36yo lookin to suck. No recip necessary, but if you want to, cool. I am 6’2, 192lbs,
33w, dark blonde hair and blue eyes. Discretion assured. Please be height/weight
proportionate. Send pic and stats for quick response.

Where are the fem panty boys ??? – m4m – 46
I am a masculine Puerto Rican, 46, 6′, 245. Looking for a young fem panty boy. Must like
to wear mini skirts and panties. Please be local and send pic for a meeting. I am free
this weekend.

late night at the office – 29 .. working late… looking to s*** men 21-40 (white or latinos)…

Looking for K9 action today

Got the day off from work and looking for a little play.

***

AND NOW, COMMENTARY BY TONY:

Makes me sick.

Makes me want to agree with the Pope about the state of the world.

Makes me hope for the Return of Joshua.

Do these fools not see the destructive nature of their behavior? OR do they
choose not to care? Do they willingly become VILLAINS?

Where’s the Question or Rorschacht when you need them?

I’m 31, and apparently I still don’t know all the sexual terms out there. And, unlike
when I was a teenager, I don’t want to know the meaning anymore.

JUDGMENT DAY. GOD: “K9? Hahaha. YOU GO TO HELL.”

COMMENTARY BY DAMIAN:

South Florida and other major US metro areas are so fragmented. No sense of identity, community, or being part of a greater good. Lazy Man Sexual Ethics…

And typical Lazy Man Law Enforcement…this shit is not policed, just like the escort message boards are free from any jurisdiction.

It makes me sick, too…in today’s era of STD’s and HIV…casual sex with STRANGERS??? A guy that gives you a fender bender on Oakland Park Blvd may want to swallow your load instead of calling the insurance company? A couple in Wal-Mart may offer you and your wife $200 bucks for swapping?

ADDITIONAL COMMENTARY BY TONY:

I mean, [CENSORED] List is getting sued b/c of racist real estate ads (“No blacks”, for example) … I’m astonished the ACLU/NAACP hasn’t pushed harder to crush this insanity/evil. 

It’s websites like [CENSORED] List that will eventually cause the politicians to pass laws that attempt to clamp down on the
web and infringe on free speech.

I mean, this stuff is totally freakin’ ridiculous …

I place an ad on CL, I get all these women looking for a boyfriend. I’m
looking for sex. Please READ ladies. 

"Wholefoods supermarket-Thank god it’s still n***** free.”

“Honey, you’re no prize. Quit dreaming that one day you’re going to find the perfect man, when you–YOURSELF–are not perfect. Just look at your
feet….what decent well groomed man would want to see those hoofs when he’s
porking you? “

“I only s*** young c***, anything over age 25 is pushing it. I only s*** young c*** because most young c**** haven’t been in very many p****** and I
dont wanta be tasting p****. Old guys have been sticking their c**** in too many p****** or sticking it in their wives old stinky p****** for years.
Thats why I only s*** young c***. “

” HAITIAN THAT JUST GOT HERE SWIMMING
CAN SPEAK BETTER ENGLISH OR IS WILLING TO LEARN ENGLISH MORE THAN YOUR WELFARE LEACH CUBAN ASS “

“Miami has got to be the most carupt city i have ever been to. I think if you are a scumbag you should move to Miami because you will blend in with
the rest of the S*** down here. They need to NUKE this city and start over.
“

“Can I get pregnant from f*** in the a**?”

“Let me f*** your s*** **** and let’s see what happens.”

… sex propositions (crime), racism (hate crime), advice on perfection and sex education
(Pope: "Inane apologia of evil”), flippant suggestions of mass destruction (uh … murder? Terrorism? Pick a crime. Okay, so EVERY person in Miami is a piece of s#!%? Somebody needs a dose of Perspective tm) … I feel that it is time to declare a War on Depravity. 

I mean, the Family Research Council and other right wing Christian groups … why aren’t they up in arms, tearing their hair out and ripping their clothes to rags in outrage like the prophets of old, screaming for justice from above? What, are they selling the soft Christianity of, “Jesus is the new law, the old ways are not necessary,” and blah, blah, blah? 

I may not agree with those Protestants, but they’re really letting me down. I want some fire and brimstone, and I want it now!

You mean to tell me the Pope is the only one with the courage to say something from behind his bullet-proof Popemobile shielding? That’s just GREAT.

No more stupid Halloween hell houses … no more silly depictions of the fiery depths of eternal damnation … keep it abstract and painful. Dante’s Inferno or bust. 

These fools on [CENSORED] List are incapable of understanding enlightenment. I hate to say it, but they need religion/heaven/hell in order to keep them leashed. They need guilt. It’s unfortunate … but it’s either that or watch our society melt away under all this “Latino heat,” and, to quote the Pope, “mindless desire for transgression.”

P.S. — To all those that post ads on [CENSORED] List: words carry weight and meaning,
fools. There are consequences for idle sexual talk and lazy man’s promiscuity. To quote Slayer: “Hell awaits.”

P.P.S. — if you found this on a search engine b/c you were looking for pornography/sexual promiscuity, there’s a demon waiting for you on the fifth ring of hell, and he’s got a lighter handy. Satan will burn you to a crisp, over and over and over for eternity. And Steve Allen will have his way with you on occasion. Cheers. 

“Some Internet bloggers and others are infuriated by the thought of ‘The Star-Spangled
Banner’ sung in a language other than English.”

– Local10 News

This is “journalism”? Is this what’s making this a news story?

Do you know what else “infuriates Internet bloggers and ‘others’”?

EVERYTHING

Justice/Injustice List

A new, Earth-Zero-style list revolving around Justice/Injustice.

JUSTICE

INJUSTICE

-Bush getting truthfully ripped by Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondence Dinner -Saddam is done -Milosevic dies in jail -DC acknowledges multiverse and CRISIS -Return of the Loyalist to the Tashman Universe -The flop of Captain Fascist + Arse -Bonds reaching 714 -Big-mouth Wagner getting scorched by the Yanks in a "non-save" situation -Sosa and Palmiero forced into retirement -The scum Zarqawi who beheaded Nick Berg and others with a rusty knife is taking a dirt nap.

-A teacher named Tericka Dye fired because she appeared in a porn movie a decade prior -Dr. Wang Wenyi facing prosecution and jail time because she YELLED at Chinese President Hu Jintao during his White House speech -Gas prices squeezing the Common Man -MLB+MEDIA vs Barry Bonds -Dan Brown = Deceiving the public and earning $76.5 million per year -Carl Pavano -Tashman bonuses? -Broderick John Hehman mugged  by four Harlem teens and hit by a car…and the offenders getting off Scott-free, after laughing at the dying NYU student -Craig’s List -Hurricane Katrina’s management -Terri Schiavo situation -Real estate market in Florida -Shark fin soup -Gina Vivinetto, arts columnist for the St. Petersburg Times, fired because she posted comments on a "Phony" blog … as opposed to a real blog…. -Peterson convincing the Mets that he can fix Victor Zambrano and to trade Scott Kazmir.

Instant

by Tony

The paragraphs in this story can be read in any order.

The sentences in this story can be read in any order.

The order doesn’t matter. It never did. You have downloaded my tale into your mind. You instantly know the beginning, middle, and end. Any attempt at substance is pointless. Any attempt at suspense is lost.

The world has changed. New technologies allow you to download various media into your brain, instantly experiencing concerts, movies, books, and other things. The use of pace and timing in storytelling does not apply with this new technology. You’d have to use your “Old school” senses, like sight, to appreciate the effect of good timing on the storytelling experience.

This story is written to add a new dimension to the old storytelling experience. In an instantaneous medium, the only hope is to create multiple possibilities, many permutations within the same words and/or images. Entertaining stories can no longer be told in a linear fashion. To hold the audience’s attention for more than a split-second, you must create something to puzzle over
and is different every time the sequence of events is changed, and yet is coherent.

Puzzle stories open new opportunities for storytelling. They also create new ground rules. It can be limiting and freeing, at the same time.

The point of this explanatory tale is to introduce you to a new concept, so that you can get full use of the new technology. 

We are in the past. You are in the future. You read this in your present, experiencing our ideas in your moment. 

You relive the beginning, middle, and end, in whatever fashion you choose. The choice is yours.

To Those who happen find us on the search engines

by Tony

Just looking at the search words that lead people to the DailySkew website, we find the most popular terms include the following words:

1	288	34.82%	female celebs
2	32	3.87%	ugly man
3	18	2.18%	mayra
4	17	2.06%	ghetto quotes
5	15	1.81%	video game violence
6	13	1.57%	stephen hawking
7	11	1.33%	rafsanjani
8	11	1.33%	tattoo fantasy island
9	7	0.85%	pics of female celebs
10	7	0.85%	ugliest man
11	6	0.73%	zane black
12	5	0.60%	bukakee
13	5	0.60%	eliza dushku ass
14	5	0.60%	frank miller batman
15	5	0.60%	superman returns
16	5	0.60%	top female celebs
17	4	0.48%	anachronistic displacement
18	4	0.48%	herve villechaize
19	4	0.48%	space carrier
20	3	0.36%	celebs female

Usage Statistics for dailyskew.com – December 2005

Okay, first of all, just because we have Damian’s annual list of top ten beautiful celebrities, and just because we have some
comedic haikus, doesn’t mean some goofball holding a tissue in one hand and you-know-what in the other should be clicking on our link in their search for anal sex pics, screaming, “Porn! Porn!”

Oh. Wait a minute. By mentioning the above descriptions (anal, et al) I have attracted more voyeuristic fools! Well, let me just take this time to welcome you before you ejaculate all over your keyboard. Welcome to the DailySkew funhouse,
f***ers. Now go to hell, holding your schween as you go skeet, skeet, skeet! No porn for you here, idiots. We are NOT purveyors of the indecent arts. NO!

As for the rest of you, I am glad you are searching for information on the Enneagram,
Theravada Buddhism, or a great hero like
Batman. We wish you well on your quest for personality enlightenment or graphic novel nibbana, whichever your pursuit. Thank you for attending this little soiree. Feel free to visit anytime.

As for Damian and I, we will continue our work here, with the hope that someone may take the time to read a Dream Seeker tale, or laugh at a Skew parody, or whatever … knowing full well you’re looking for something else, and that there’s nothing you want to see here.

Five books worth of material later … and we don’t care. We are fans of each other’s work, if you want to get down to it.

So, getting back to all of you sick porno-eating bastards out there, surfing the web … we’ll take your hits. They count. And we’ll take your indifference … we don’t give a s*** about your
dopey “bukakee” search query, anyway!

My problem with Joe Buck

By D. Hospital

He’s too SARCASTIC. His humor is dark and biting. He is so post-modern MEDIA. VERY opinionated. He’s too *aware* of, and is a product of, Sportscenter,
Fox News, etc.

Now all of this is fine, if you’re a CIVILIAN. But I don’t want to hear this for a ballgame. And thankfully I won’t, because I cancelled my cable, and only have Internet access now. I literally can’t deal with him and Tim McCarver. Snapshot Joe
times 2. I can’t stand the hype before the games. I can’t take it when it’s a blowout and Buck starts apologizing to us for having a ratings letdown. “For anyone still out there…it’s 12 to THREE Yankees.” Then Tim starts chuckling all the way through the commercial break. ugh.

I get a sick feeling when I hear him call modern games, like McGwire’s 62nd, Bonds, etc. It’s like he knows he’s being recorded for the archives.

***

Additional commentary on Joe Buck and  other members of the Fox broadcast: Mets vs. Yanks on Fox, May 20th
(Unedited)

Was in Tamarac watching the Subway Series (classic + vintage game…wow).

My mom said, “Tim and Joe? Ugh. We’re gonna have to sit through this? I wish it was Morgan and Miller.”

I joked, “Wanna bet cam will show Randy sitting in the dugout and they’ll rip him to shreds since he had another bad game Friday night?” [They did that later...brought up Clemens when the camera was on Randy.]

[And in typical coverage, when David Wright ONCE AGAIN hit a fly ball over Damon's head, the camera had a
close-up of Bernie Williams' face in the dugout...when Kelly 'Automatic Out' Stinnett came up with RISP all day, the camera zoomed in on Jorge.]

Sure enough Joe Buck was all over A-Rod for making a 1st inning error. [paraphrase] “There are those in the NY MEDIA that say A-Rod can’t perform in the ‘big games’….’” [Shows replay.] Here’s proof…”

Jeter’s up later on, and I think a runner was on. Tim gets all excited. Two outs. 3-0 count vs. Pedro, who was hot. Tim and Joe are orgasmic, like
Joshua was up at bat. I’m on the couch: “Swing and a miss…Strike 3.” Yup.

Buck with the cynical depressing voice, where his lips are hardly parting: “And Stinnett throws it in the outfield…” “Liner up the *middle*…and now it’s THREE-to-nothing, Mets.” [read: Yanks are done.]

Action is happening all over the field, and he gives sarcastic one-liners, implying that with a $200 million payroll, the Yankees have NO EXCUSE to give up runs or make errors. Get over it, dude.

Anyway, Fox switched to the Bonds replay for around a minute. Jeannie Zelasko at the studio, Tim and Buck in the booth. My grandmother was taken aback by their attitude, demeanor, and comments.

Jeanie’s tone was of disgust, trying to pitch it in a negative way. Her voice is so annoying.

Tim was like, “How anti-climatic…I had never dreamed that someone tying Babe’s record would be met with so much apathy” stuff. [Who says? Bonds' teammates and fans
in Oakland sure acted happy! Bonds was kissing and hugging his son and teammates. The fans were making noise!]

Buck who was attached to St. Louis hero Mark McGwire in 1998 like a barnacle, implied how no one really cares because of the perceptions of cheating. He started lecturing in that cynical and condensing voice. Thank you, guys, for telling me how I’m supposed to feel.

They both pointed out the Shea Stadium reaction (boos) when the highlight was flashed on the scoreboard.

My mom said, “Why would METS fans care about Babe Ruth’s record?” [P.S. Some little boy had a Ruth jersey that the Fox camera zoomed in on, which I guess has now become a political statement in NY against steroids.] I said, “They’re METS fans…they boo everything in NY…Wagner just blew a 4-0 game in the 9th…they’re not gonna be happy for anyone.”

Jeannie Zelasko, following Bonds’ next at-bat (a 3rd-inning strikeout), said, “And Barry STILL looking for seven-one-five.” I couldn’t even get the energy to comment on that remark. It wasn’t even a parody on Jeanie’s part.

SKEW 2006 PREDICTIONS

Damian’s 2006 picks

NL EAST: BRAVES
NL CENTRAL: CARDS
NL WEST: DODGERS
NL WILD-CARD: GIANTS

AL EAST: YANKS
AL CENTRAL: INDIANS
AL WEST: A’S
AL WILD-CARD: RED SOX

WS: A’s OVER BRAVES

Tony’s 2006 picks

NL EAST: METS
NL CENTRAL: CARDINAL POND SCUM (Just kidding)
NL WEST: GIANTS
NL WILD-CARD: BRAVES

AL EAST: YANKS
AL CENTRAL: TIGERS
AL WEST: A’S
AL WILD-CARD: O’S (Because Josh Beckett sucks)

Yankees broadcaster John Sterling’s 2006 picks

Mets/Astros/Dodger/Braves
Yankees/White Sox/A’s/Red Sox

J-bird’s 2006 WS pick

Angels vs. Phillies

And now, Tony “Enneagram” Flair has some random comments:

WHOOOOOHHH! The Baseball Nature Boy here, with an Enneagram flair! Let’s see who’s gonna win:

Hmm … how about, the team from Detroit! The Motor City! Managed by former World Champion, Whoooohhh, manager Jim Leyland. You’ve GOTTA like the DEEEETROIT TIGERS! WHOOOOOOHHH!

In the NL … in the YEAR of the SIX, you gotta to pick the TEAM with the SIX personality. You know who it is. Those loveable losers. Those cardiac kids. The team that can only win once every thirty years … the NEW YORK METS! WHOOOOOOHH!

I would like to say, though, don’t count out the FOURTEEEEENN TIME DIVISION WINNERS, HOTLANTA BRAVES! Bobby Cox … wooOOOOOHHH. He is the man, and you’ve got to BEAT the man, Willie Randolph, if YOU want to BE the man.

Folks, where there are WINNERS, there must be LOSERS:

AAAAAA-ROOODDDDD. AAAA-ROOODDDD! You got a LOT to prove, A-Rod. You gotta win, baby, if you want to be considered the greatest, all-time, the best. You’ve gotta have the ring if you want the respect. YOu don’t get the ring from a THERAPIST, AAAA-ROOODDD!!! NOOOOOOO, NO, no, no. You get it in OCTOBER, on the field, in front of the fans, when it’s all on the line, stylin’, profilin’, wavin’ that bat … that’s when it happens, AAAAA-ROOOODDDD!

RAAANNNDDDYY! RAAANNNDDY!!! You think ONE RING impresses me! Unless you’re the Lord of the Rings, that ONE ring don’t mean ANYTHING! OH, and a real BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN man says hello to his daughter on occasion. 

Funny Exchange about Kenny Rogers

From ESPN.com:

Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers reportedly reached a quiet settlement with that Dallas cameraman he accosted last season when he was with the Texas Rangers.

And he had another surprise for Larry Rodriguez, 45: As the mediator left the Dallas office last month, Rogers reached over Rodriguez’s shoulder and closed the door in front of him.

“I had no idea where things were headed at that point,” Rodriguez told the Dallas Observer. “But I was ready for anything. He wasn’t going to sucker-punch me again.”

But this time, Rogers just shook his hand, for about 10 minutes.

“He told me he was truly sorry,” Rodriguez said. “We talked for about 20 minutes, just us. It was weird how he just held onto my hand, but I think for the first time he was really sorry.”

The Observer put the monetary settlement at about $100,000.

Rodriguez said he suffered a wrenched back when Rogers shoved his camera to the ground before a game last June 29 at Ameriquest Field. Rodriguez later required fairly extensive medical treatment.”

—–

And now, the exchange between Damian and Gary of Earth-Tash:

GARY: Once a Dick, always a Dick-my candid opinion of Kenny Rogers…

DAMIAN: After how many seconds/minutes of Kenny Rogers’ shaking your hand before you say something?

GARY: After Rogers’ antics, I would never have extended my hand to him in the first place…

DAMIAN: Even with a suitcase full of $100,000?

GARY: Blood Money-I would donate the cash to the ASPCA and then punch him out…

DAMIAN: Look, my client Kenny was going through some tough times, had some personal issues, and was under a lot of stress when he hit that cameraman, who provoked him. He is a very competitive individual, and was pitching through a bad injury. He sincerely regrets any injury he caused the cameraman and his family, and has paid restitution without being forced to by a court.

GARY: Hey, Making crazy, apologist comments like that are exactly why these rich, spoiled athletes get away with shit like this all the time. Maybe someone should punch you out, too…!!!

DAMIAN: My client Gary sincerely regrets his comments.

GARY: As the curtain falls, and I gracefully fade to black….